They say to never make haste decisions within the first year of giving birth – about marriage, investments, family and career choices. Hormones can play a huge role in our emotions. The chemicals of our brain impacts the way our body feels and therefore, it also affects the way we see ourselves and the world around us.
I have written a couple posts about regrets and friendship resets – those I have put in enough thought before publishing but I will not deny if my hormones (and sleep deprivation) took part in feeling the way I felt. I find myself right now after grieving a friendship for a week and hearing some good news from another friend, I am able to regain a bit of sanity in my life. I spoke with an old friend and started listening to some good Tiny Desk concerts on Youtube. I feel a whole lot better.
My good hormones are slowly trickling in once again. I must say that 2 hour nap I took while my baby was sleeping helped a ton in staying this awake at night. It is almost midnight over here but I have energy to type out these thoughts. I really do believe it matters to admit the importance of being human especially after baking and delivery a baby into the world. There is so much beauty in honesty. It is painful but what is relief and joy without pain and suffering. Not to say that one must inflict pain to oneself. The pain I am mentioning here is hurt that we have no control over and have no choice whatsoever.
My biggest example is my traumatic birth, grieving my pregnancy story, losing a few friends along the way, and decline of my health due to the stress and anxiety involved in every aspect of my pregnancy and now parenthood. Nothing turned out the way I planned it. I have gone through this before, planning can only take you so far but adaptability will take you to your destination with flying colours. Resilience as a bonus will make your life easier. I had such trouble giving up the idea that I did not get enough time to settle in our home, enjoy more of my bump and one on one time with my baby’s kicks.
Postpartum hormones are no joke! The epidural was a temporary high or maybe that was adrenaline? Nobody knows but my husband would remember how unusually ecstatic I was the first 3 days after giving birth. Once reality set in, I had a few breakdowns, frustration rants, and anger episodes while staying aware and finding answers to where my emotions are coming from. It was rough and I hated when I get so dark but I do not give up in finding the light. I want to understand the truth and give myself the grace that there are a lot of things going on in my body that my brain cannot comprehend.
6 months later, I am slowly getting some clarity on what was going on and what is. Motherhood is lonesome and it can be sad to experience this sometimes but also.. I found the flip side.
How beautiful is this intimate personal experience that one gets to experience with the child that they made with their own body. The vulnerability behind the tears and emotions when holding my own baby is an experience I cannot simply put into words. It is life-changing and mind-bending, literally. My brain took time to digest the fact that this is my baby and it was living inside my belly being sustained by my own body. How magical and powerful is that. This is supposed to be an up-close one-on-one experience with my baby.
I never saw it that way. I always thought I was missing out of all the good stuff out there at work, my friends, the travels, and all the side projects I could partake in. What I missed was this is IT! This is the unmatched experience! This is THE MAIN EVENT. The traumatic birth definitely made me feel like I lost so much more than anticipated that this took time to settle.
Thank you brain and hormones for slowing down and helping me digest this fact. Nothing is more important than being here, present with my new family.
Yes, that “best friend” treated me like s*** and used her poor communication skills by ghosting me like I was garbage after she finished dumping her trauma on me and all I did was be honest since she wanted my advice.
Yes, my career has to wait while everyone else got a promotion and possibly more hours in to master their craft.
Yes, we cannot travel at all nor go anywhere for dates.
BUT
I get to redirect my energy into my tribe and people who are mutually and genuinely caring for me.
I get to take a break from the hustle bustle and get back into it with so much new perspective and excitement.
I can explore my city and immerse myself in the communities I could be involved in plus all the nature walks with my little one will be meditative.
I believe live keeps introducing themes and struggles so that I can finally learn and evolve from situations and people that do not deserve a space in my mind. As much as I was not a fan of how hormonal I got, I believe going through that painful phase made me realize that I am worth it. I have contributed to the world and nobody can and should be able to take that positivity from me.
Remember that! Momma or not, enjoy your blessings and if something or someone is blocking you from being your best version.. thank you, bye. The world is a big place and life is too short to worry about people who do not care about you. The universe is kind so anything that you feel like you’re missing out on are things that you should not be in anyway so bask in the present moment because nothing is better than right now. ❤
The Mother’s Journal 
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