Hello.
This is a letter that shows the beauty, pain and struggles of having a long term one-sided friendship. Words of appreciation, apologies and realizations that helps me move on and make space for energy on the same frequency. Being a new mom, I felt like many of my friendships took on a new direction, almost immediately.
I was optimistic that I could still maintain and nurture my friendships and that these people would understand my life chapter; my hope was that we could grow together and continue to celebrate each other’s journeys but slowly and clearly, I am seeing some voluntarily detaching themselves. I would go on hour conversations and video calls and was intentional enough to talk about them as much as I was talking about my baby. However, maybe that was not enough.
This is a grieving moment because today, I am at my wit’s end and have decided to mentally block an old friend.
Hi friend,
I cannot believe that this day would come where I had to let you go.
Thank you for the memories, the friendship while it lasted, the jam sessions, the fun sleepovers, the one trip where we got to make more memories, and well, the lesson for this season of my life. I must now pull back and retain the energy I have lost in trying to be there for you.
I noticed that you enjoyed my company when I was on the same lane as you or on the sidelines cheering on you but by the time that my life was moving ahead and being put on the spotlight to which I was honestly confiding in you felt surreal and uncomfortable sometimes – you decided that I am now not someone you are interested in continuing a friendship with.
Your presence in my life has been on-off, toxic AF with a lot of push-pull and definitely a huge appreciation for me shows up when you are exploring a new relationship or when it is almost ending because I am your dump. I am unfortunately took on that role. I tried to correct it and voice out my concerns to you but here we are, back to this dynamic – more than once.
This is where the /askhole/ term was introduced to me. Maybe that was the best way to describe our friendship.
None of my advice from the very beginning was heard. All the stories about your toxic friends and the situationships for a decade.. I have been there and genuinely wanted the best for you but you made me doubt my worth. Little did I know that you too are toxic. It has always been about you. You needed to be the main character.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. It’s time for me to leave for my dignity and sanity.
Unfortunately, I am sad to admit that he is right. You are immature and are inconsiderate of other people’s feeling. Maybe it’s the pretty privilege or just lack of decency. Again, unfortunately, I held on to you trying to prove that our friendship can grow and mature.
Hurt people hurt people. You are very hurt and if I do not leave, I too will get very hurt. You have chosen to self-sabotage and have admitted that but I cannot afford that. No, thank you.
I will not apologize for leaving my last relationship.
I will not apologize for meeting my current husband because of that.
I will not apologize for now having a baby I call my own.
I will not apologize for building a beautiful life I am proud of.
I am sorry for trying to force our friendship when it was already expired.
I am sorry for making you feel like you can be happy.
I am sorry for trying too hard to be there for you when you were in a rut.
I am sorry for enabling your toxicity in my life.
I am content with my life and appreciate you for reminding me that life can be beautiful without all the drama. I am done celebrating you when all you did was put me aside and used me as a prop or tool to your internal traumas.
Right now, I hate you for not fighting for this friendship. I hate you for making me feel small and the fact that you immediately blocked my passion project account just because I have not yet posted your episode. I hate you for not including me in your group hangouts when I was supposedly your /best friend/ and did not message me of your plans in visiting the city. I hate you for saying that I am “too serious” and defending your friend when I did not want to have her during my birthday dinner catching up with you. You hated her but you gave her more importance. You are addicted to drama, trauma, and pain. I was the band-aid. I hate that when I visited you and I was very pregnant that you were yawning 90% of the time.
I encouraged you that you could find another love after your last one that hurt you so bad. I encouraged you that you can pursue your art. I encouraged you to find yourself and explore another province. I encouraged you that you can be yourself. What did I get in return? Neglect.
They say to not hate the person only the behaviour but enough damage was done and I am only human to feel like I was pulled on all directions and as much as you want someone to love you so much – I felt it was all ironic because I was only met with indifference and almost, shame for caring too much.
There was no halfway, I was doing 80% of the heavy lifting.
Thank you again for being there during my special day even though I know it was obligatory on your end. I definitely felt like you were not genuinely happy for me. You forgot about our lunch that was scheduled months in advance, you were late and even had a headache where I drove you back home. Yes, I spoiled you. Yes, my mom spoiled you. Because we loved you and were rooting for you.
It will take some time for me to grieve the loss of this friendship but I appreciate the lesson you’ve taught me. I have regained my worth and have not the intent and energy to meet people who are on the same frequency as I am. I am not perfect but I would like to at least believe that I’d like to see the beauty in this world, the kindness in people, celebrating my tribe’s successes, and want a friendship worth fighting for.
A friendship where both are dancing to the rhythm and are lifting each other’s spirits and are interested in growth. I will let you go for both of our sakes. I will let you go so you will not feel bothered and smothered by my availability. I will let you go to pour love back into my cup.
I am an empath and was a people pleaser. Thank you for the times you showed up for me, most of which is half-hearted but still I felt the half heart being the optimist that I was. I was delusional but now I see everything. I’d like to give you back the space I consumed, if there was any.
Our season has ended. Thank you.
I guess this is the end of our friendship. You’ve proven to me that it is okay to surrender, let go and move on from relationships that don’t serve you, including friendships that lasted a decade. You’ve taught me that quantity never outweighs the quality of a connection.
An emotional connection is knowing that both people are a safe haven to express and flourish through the good and the bad times. An emotional bond goes beyond one person’s ability to validate your emotions and please one person’s addiction to trauma. An emotional connection is communicating our needs openly but not dictating how much we want someone to prove our worth. It is to celebrate each other, to lift each other up instead of lingering on the darkness and needing them to be dragged down to swim in the pool of pain and triggers.
Since getting married and having a baby, I felt like something rewired in my brain that made me rethink every aspect of my life because the last thing I want is to use the time I could use to spend time with my family and meet new friends who are on the same wavelength on someone who sees me as a life floater.
It is painful and sad even though I sound mad and angry. I am more hurt that I had to write this to help myself move on from a friendship that was negatively impacting my life and self-perception. I was hopeful that this could be a friend of a lifetime but as my mom said, “friends come and go” and this is the first time I ever felt that I have to intentionally let go of someone.
Thankful and grateful.
Moments turned memories.
Sisters turned strangers.
Goodbye.
The Mother’s Journal 
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