Regrets Begone, Selfless to Selfish

Do you believe that it is better to have kids sooner or later in your life? If you had it your way, what would you have chosen?

I regret being so selfless because now I feel so selfish. I regret having family over while our baby is a newborn and my husband and I are figuring out how to be parents since this is our first time. I don’t want to talk to anybody and I don’t want anybody to tell me what to do. I regret going on social media and indulging on content where married couples without kids enjoy their travels together. I regret many things and I was one to not regret anything prior to getting married, everything used to flow with less friction.

I felt pressured on all fronts to have a baby sooner than later. Somehow it convinced me to finally try it. Anyway, what’s there to lose?

Well.. what they don’t tell you.. as a woman, you lose everything. Nobody tells you this and somehow every mother in this planet, either tells you to hurry or to take your time – but they don’t tell you why taking your time matters. Actually, I had an aunt tell me but it got clouded by everyone’s judgements, including myself.

We jumped into the wagon too soon. We should have enjoyed our time together before we decided to have kids. I regret having a kid this soon for the sake of not running out of time. An extra year would have made a huge difference to our experience and marriage, to be honest. However, I have learned to always look forward because hovering over the past and regrets only removes the joy that the present gives.

I get that. Let us also be real. I love my baby to bits, a part of me just feels like I would be a better mother if I waited a bit longer. Do you feel the same way? Or did you wish that you had kids earlier? (maybe with time, my mind will change)

Now, I feel so overwhelmed and upset and miserable, really. I also thought hey, let us celebrate this by having family stay over in our homes months at a time. This was another regret. Outside the fact that we get food made or someone to take care of the little one during the day, I am trying to measure the pros and cons – the mental load and stress + pressure from having family stay in our home far outweighs the advantages.

Mostly for the mother. Everything is looked at a microscope. I’m home all day so there are comments here and there. That is unavoidable. I want to be respectful and being nice unfortunately does not take you anywhere when we’re talking about parents.

Their taking over our space. The fridge is full. Groceries every other day. I can’t be myself when I need my time alone.

In addition, I get a lot of offline helicoptering. Moms sending all these videos on how to care for my baby. Let me follow my own instincts and not doubt myself. If I need answers, I will find them from professionals or people who have gone through what I’m going through.

/STOP SENDING ME VIDEOS ON HOW TO TAKE CARE OF MY KID. I AM THE MOTHER AND I HAVE BEEN THE BABY’S MOTHER FROM CONCEPTION/

If you are one of these comments, please stop and reassess, instead ask if there is anything you can do to help:

“You should take a nap”

“Why is the baby crying? Carry them and pat their back”

“Oh no, why is the baby crying? They are probably hungry”

“Do you read books to them everyday?”

“Have you watched the video I sent you? That will help them sleep.”

No, thank you. I watch enough videos and read enough articles from professionals on how to better care for my baby. A video of a random content creator with bad visuals and no credential is not going to cut it. It’s a waste of time.

This is the time to be selfish, mamas! I am also still learning how to speak up better. I have actually lol by saying those don't help or saying NO, thank you. Or simply muting the chat if they keep doing it. Boundaries are crossed but I love them enough to not cut them off. I understand that they want what is best for the baby.

I am also slowly filtering the conversations I am having as well as people I am interacting with even though I used to hoard all social relationships I could because I feel like my reputation and identity revolved around my social circle. It’s time to treasure my small group who continue to show up genuinely.

I am tired. I am exhausted from being told what to do. As a girl, I have lived that life from the very beginning. Now, I want to raise kids who has a good balance of interdependence – no more codependence. It will take time but my intention is to be a good mother and a good mother allows their kids to flourish in their own garden to bear fruits when they are ready.

A flower is meant to be watered, appreciated and loved. Sometimes they get picked and their roots are left behind. They must thrive while hoping that someone will remember to water them. best definition of motherhood.

I am selfish, to my needs, to my baby’s needs, to my family’s needs. I am selfish to my inner voice and am done being too considerate of other’s opinions. It is time to get some respect here.

I hope your experience has been nothing short of special, kind and positive.