Body Dysmorphia

Do all moms love their body before, during and after pregnancy? Do all moms forget what they went through and just try to do it all? What support do we get emotionally postpartum?

Before

For some context, before getting pregnant, I was already not happy with my body but was grateful that it was due to the happy events prior that allowed me to indulge in life with no limits. I have always struggled with my weight yo-yo-ing from time to time and it definitely has affected my social life in many ways – have always been working on my relationship with my body and food.

There was a time before my marriage that I felt my best but I was happily single too – maybe a part of me that time also was ready to meet a life partner. And I did. And I am so grateful.

I can have my needed reset when I give birth, or so I thought. I definitely underestimated the amount of work, time, effort, tears, sweat in raising a child. I’m sure most people do (not to make myself feel better haha) because the idea of having a child is far more promising and exciting that the thought of the daily grind in raising one, especially a good one.

During

Now being pregnant adds another factor in the equation where it keeps everything on the positive (e.g. |-2| = 2). I cannot intentionally try to lose weight because that will not be right knowing that I am growing a baby in my belly. I gave up the idea of having a goal weight. Instead, I focused on going for walks and consuming healthy meals while enjoying the cravings. No shame.

The dysmorphia comes in waves. The belly phase is gradual and beautiful to be honest. I loved rubbing my tummy and by the time I fully embraced my pregnant body, I can feel my baby kick and it was truly magical. I am in tune and proud of the woman I am becoming. Baking a baby in my belly makes me feel appreciative of what it takes to be a mother and I have not seen my little one yet.

I forgot all the feels and insecurities and the thought of having a baby almost helped me heal my inner child. I wanted to be strong and kind for my little one, I needed to have all the positive energy to make it through the finish line. I loved my belly and still reminisce it – I had an early labour so it was short-lived. How lovely that memory has been.

After

The biggest hurdle was postpartum. After 3 months of breastfeeding, pumping, sleep deprivation, crying and loneliness – I found myself looking in front of the mirror not recognizing who I was. I gained 15 pounds on top of my pregnancy weight plus the stress circles around my eyes. I was restless and helpless. And the sad part was I was trying to deny it, I was fighting it so hard disregarding the fact that my body went through a significant event and big milestone that I had to first acknowledge.

I accept where I am at. I feel fat and ugly. Is it true? In my eyes, yes. But also, in my terms I can change my perception of my situation and redirect my course to a transformative and sustainable solution. This is a lifestyle long-term decision that requires a lot of discipline and focus. More importantly, grace and an unconditional amount of it because this will be the mountain of me. The climb will be exhausting and exhilarating – physically, emotionally and mentally but I am certain that the view from the top and looking back will be worthwhile.

I am hopeful and eager. I miss my body. I would like to be more fit and healthy. I would very much enjoy meeting myself again.

See you again, dear. Take it easy and trust yourself to enjoy this journey.